Miss Manners for the Mobbed

As a woman being mobbed, my life is full of moments that must be negotiated with the greatest delicacy, and I so frequently find myself in a conundrum as to the proper conduct. What, I ask myself, is the etiquette that I, a woman in a mobbing situation, should follow? Goodness, try as I might, and using all of the best and most tasteful Internet search engines, I could not procure a book of etiquette written for the well-bred woman, such as myself, who is the victim of a real estate mobbing.

And so, gentle reader, as part of my continuing community service here in my bucolic northeast Seattle neighborhood in which the old guard seems to suffer from a deplorable lack of hospitality, I have set out to compile what I hope will be a leading list of do’s and don’ts for those of you in similar unfortunate circumstances who are wondering how you should comport yourself in your own maison sweet maison, and in your budoir and sal de bain, until the City Attorney and investigative authorities act and you are once more freed to Isadora Duncan dance in your very own home, toute seule, and as a naturiste without a stitch!


Do continue to use your bathroom. In fact, get some new bath towels, bath beads, and the softest toilet paper you can buy! Modesty is what the scumbucket mobbers will use against you. This is how they expect to “get [you] out.” Got gas? Let it out. Eructations-R-us! Stock up on the best tee-pee you can afford. Get a heated toilet seat, the kind with the Euro-bidet. Let’em have it, full force! Piss and shit your way to freedom, I say! The truth be told, in my experience, once they let you know they’re “watching” you,  they’ll probably go silent when you’re on the pot. At least, if the mobbers mobbing me mob you, they’ll only start talking during your bodily functions months down the road after you’ve resolved not to leave your home and they won’t take no for an answer. But if you stay in the mobbing long enough, they may also begin talking during sex, yours, and if they do it will be to attempt to embarrass you or distract you, not because they’re helpful. Ignore them. They’re insignificant criminals who want to harass you out of your home. Don’t let the novelty of the situation, or the awkwardness, fool you into engaging with them. They will try to use everything you do, everything in your life, to compel you to leave your home.

Do be social. Nothing takes the edge off a day of hard-hitting harassment more than a few cocktails with friends. And the closer you are, the better you’ll feel. Literally. When you’re in a crowded pub sandwiched between a few of your friends, you increase the mobbers’ challenge level. If they’re following you, they won’t be able to hit you with a parametric speaker without risking your friend, six inches from your ear, hearing them. If they’re using the establishment’s free wireless network and speakers to harass you, the din of the public house will likely blot out much of the harassment. And your friends’ cell phones? Who can hear on a cell phone in a dance club? Go. Go be with people. Scumbag mobbers thrive on the isolated and one of the chief purposes of this style of criminal harassment is to isolate you in a manner that is unhealthy for you, mentally, emotionally and physically, so that they can use your vulnerability to compel you to leave your home. Don’t let them do it to you. If you’re going to fight a mobbing, fight it by spending time with people who are not sociopathic and psychopathic criminals.

Do take a roommate. I believe in honesty so I tell applicants that I’m the target of a “mobbing” but that it shouldn’t affect them and has not affected past roommates because I am the leaseholder and because the mobbers don’t want witnesses. After all, if they mob everyone, there is either a nasty case of hysterical paranoid schizophrenia in the house, they’re going to have a tough time explaining why your new roommate hears the harassment too. Mobbing doesn’t work if they do it to everyone. You can’t convince the police that the reporting victim is a whacko if there are suddenly three or four of them.

Do enjoy yourself sexually. If you’re being mobbed, the mobbers didn’t just start listening to you the day you became aware of it. They’d already seen, or heard, it all. They may use some means of visualizing your activities but, at least according to my mobbers, if they did before they may not be doing it now that you’re aware of being monitored. If you’re going to insist on your rights and stay in your home, you should enjoy your adult life, and your sexuality, as you did before. Besides, I’ll bet charges of being sex offenders could, and should be brought, to those who would listen in on or harass to disturb and interfere with sexual enjoyment in a mobbing situation, much less attempt to embarrass you about your sexual expression later on. And the mobbers, talking as they must, tipped their hand to me when they said that one way they “get [people] out” is when victims feel uncomfortable being sexually active because they are being monitored. So, if you use a dildo, get a bigger one. If you’re quiet, I say get louder! It’s your house, and you have a reasonable expectation of privacy in your bedroom. It might not be the best time to take out the Kama Sutra, but if you can do it, I’m right with you… I mean, I’m behind you… I mean, more power to you! Whatever puts the mobbing scumbags into prison. Let charges be brought against them not just for malicious harassment, cyberstalking, monitoring and the like, but let the criminals be added to the sex offenders’ registry. Nothing is too good for those mobbing me.

Do think twice, and even thrice if necessary, before you accuse your landlords of putting cameras in your bathroom. Ask yourself, Why wouldn’t they just raise my rent? Indeed. And then ask yourself, Did they recently turn down a developer’s officer to buy the house? Hmmmm. You might even chat with home owners in your neighborhood and find out if they’ve been harassed or been sued for adverse possession. Maybe your landlords are being squeezed too. Chances are, if real estate speculators are laying waste to the Home Sweet Home of your neighborhood, that even if the people harassing you are pretending to harass you out because you don’t mow the lawn enough or because they can read your mind and know you harbor a penchant for frottage, that what they’re really up to is laying waste to your life to get you out of the way because it’s not easy to force the sale of a rental house whose owner has a great tenant.

Do document any material evidence of harassment. If you want the criminals to come to justice, you’ll have to help them get there. Unfortunately, you have a burden to collect whatever documentation you can. Complaints to police and city officials when you have something worthy of complaint is a good way to create documentation without aggravating the city by attempting to enlist them in the harassment as mobbers will do. You can even turn things around. Are the neighbors complaining about “noise” that is legal under local codes? File a public disclosure request. Find the map of 911 calls, if it exists, and screenshot it. And if the city provides transcripts of 911 calls, make sure you get those. You’d be amazed how guileless some people can be when it comes to letting the cops know that the real problem they have with you is that they’re hateful human beings.

Do write about it. This is documentation. Have you, by chance, considered a blog? Remember, to protect you, no names in the blog. Save those for your complaints to police. At least, take care not to give the scumbucket criminals obvious grounds for a defamation lawsuit against you, their victim. Straddle the line between giving away enough information to enable authorities to begin a quiet investigation on their own and giving so much that the mobbers can make good their threats to sue you if you don’t “zip it” (as my own mobbers so like to say). Your best bet is to talk to a lawyer about the type of information that is safer for you to write in any published document.

Don’t spend a lot of money on new lingerie. The mobbers may pretend they can see you without being able to. Or they may be using something like night vision goggles or infrared (apparently surveillance drones can make use of infrared) that allow them to see the outline of your form. But it’s unlikely that they really put cameras in your dwelling—that’s probably another hoax. At least, it seems to have been a hoax on me at the start of my mobbing. The technology exists to allow mobbers to “see” enough to convince the mobbed that they can see even if they no longer take the risk. And if they are attentive to what they hear from shotgun microphones or other listening devices deployed from their own properties, they know what you’re doing a good amount of the time anyway. So those Ives St. Laurent corsets? Save them for someone who matters.

Don’t attempt to get in touch with people from your past whose names are dropped in the mobbing. At least, not without good reason. The mobbers will try to make you think that they’ve talked to everyone from your past, and they’ll do this with the names of those that they’ve somehow learned you’ve had fallings out with. (My mobbers claimed at the outset of the mob that they had “all” my email in their possession.) In my case, they used the name of someone from about 25 years back and even said that she “invented” mobbing and had come back from my past to take her revenge on me. This didn’t get them far since it sounded so ridiculous to me that I burst out laughing as they mobbed me in the middle of the night while I lay in bed. But the mobbers have also claimed to be setting “defamation traps,” apparently to intimidate me into silence. What they’re counting on is making you look crazy and making you feel crazy. But you know you. Don’t let a bunch of criminals tell you who you are. Besides, chances are that while they might have put a packet sniffer on your network connection or even hacked some email account, these people are not going to tell anyone who might tell you what they’re doing to you. And if they’ve taken up residence next door to you, they can easily collect information about you by using shotgun or parabolic microphones to listen as you talk, or even by just looking into your open windows. Remember, this is the white glove approach to turning over a property for speculation. They’re not going to give you witnesses if they can avoid it.

Don’t blurt out Do you hear that? if you hear yourself being insulted on the cell phone of the person sitting next to you. They may be completely unaware of it. Between the ambient noise in the environment and the fact that your companion is not acculturated to being mobbed, he is not listening for the sleazy sound of your mobbers. Do not ask the person next to you to turn off their cell phone or change its volume, not unless they are one of your confidants and know all about the mobbing madness.

Do discreetly notice if the person next to you seems to hear something. It could happen. And if they’ve read my blog on how to help a mobbing victim, they will surely be a good citizen and come right out with it, “Are you being harassed? Can I help you by reporting what I’ve heard to the police?” Such a mensch. What a mitzvah! Just thinking about it gives me the shivers. If you can’t help yourself, you could also try asking if your companion heard something peculiar: “Funny, I thought I just heard someone saying that my left tit is bigger than my right. Or was it, ‘Stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight!'” Well, mon dieu, if you even suggest you heard such a thing, you may find your social currency is kaput.

This is all the advice I have for you now. But remember, you heard it here from the Miss Manners of Mobbing. Don’t wait up. I’ll be back with more.


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